And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
