it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
