I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
