I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
