I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
