y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
