My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
