Im at strip club and am horny
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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