I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
