we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
