if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
