So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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