2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
