I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
