I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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