she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize