No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
