dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize