A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
