Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
