so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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