the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
