I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
