I cannot find my penis.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Enjoy the penises
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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