We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
