and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
organizing the empties. That sober.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
