im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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