Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
