Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
