My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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