If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
