i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
