There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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