if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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