She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
