There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
