Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
