Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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