hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dignity is for republicans.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
