please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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