Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
