My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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