obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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