I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
