i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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