i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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