I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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