Your mouth is God's brothel.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
