I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
