Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
