I like to think it a success when the cops are called
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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