I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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