it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Even my vagina gasped.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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