Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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