Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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