I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
