At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
