life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
