Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
