All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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