the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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