DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
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I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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