On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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