dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
