Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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