apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize